Dear Cruel World…

In some ways I don’t really want to write this post as I am finding it hard to write the words. I can’t believe I am back at square one with my life again. It has been exactly a year since I last felt overwhelmed by my life, but that was really just down to having to adjust to my new adult life. But for the past 3 years I have struggled with depression and anxiety and recently it has got worse so much so that this time round I am finding it difficult to talk to people about it. And the written word on here seems the only place I am brave enough to share what I have to say.

I’m in so much pain and can barely see what is right in front of me anymore. And I am finding it hard to even see the slightest glimmer of positivity anymore. I have become so used to putting on brave face so i don’t worry my friends or family that even I have managed to deceive myself for the longest time. Right now I look at my life and I see nothing, just what has past. I see no future and to be honest at times I have no energy to look for a future. The pain is sometimes just too much that I find myself alone with my tears struggling to breathe, just as I am right now writing these words.

So much rejection and loss has come my way recently that I just feel unworthy and lost and unworthy of feeling and being loved. And it is hard writing those words because deep down I know that isn’t completely true, but right now thats all I can feel. I need someone or something to save me, to show me what to treasure in my life because right now its a vast dark hole with no escape. This is not how I pictured my life to be nor how I want to be. But for now it is, my body aches, my heart aches and I long for days were I can be happy and carefree, I want my life back cruel world!

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